Things Firestar Should Never Do
by Falco aesalon
Summary: The title says it all. Warriors is great and all, but I wrote this parody and enough people liked it that I felt obliged to re-post it. Rating for mild violence, OOC-ness and general insanity. Includes editing from the original for quality and grammar.  Explanation for the re-posting inside due to lack of space in the summary.
1. Getting an Overdose on Herbs

The story is, someone threatened to report me for posting script format and the list at the end of the series. I told them I would fix it. Then someone else came along and actually reported me, so I took it down and now I am re-uploading it.

If you want to read the original versions of the "offending" chapters, you can find them on deviantART. There's a link to my deviantART account on my profile if you don't want to go searching for them. No, this is not plugging, this is for the people who are sincerely interested in reading the original versions (or just like the originals better). I would leave links in the individual chapters, but the site doesn't let me do that.

Disclaimer (applies to all chapters of this series): The Erin Hunters own any and all characters you may recognize. Any other name brands you may recognize belong to their respective owners. I own nothing and, as far as money and material things go, I do not profit from this series. Not even a copy of the one of the Warriors books.

This is a chapter I had to rewrite and the original can be found on deviantART.

_**Things Firestar Should Never Do: Getting an Overdose on Herbs**_

_This chapter takes place between Sunrise and The Fourth Apprentice, when Dovekit and Ivykit are less than a moon (month) old._

Whitewing was in the nursery with her kits, Dovekit and Ivykit. Whitewing was nusring Dovekit and Ivykit was sleeping when Firestar, on unsteady paws, staggered in to the nursery and said, "Whitewing, you're gonna be the new deputy."

"But I have kits!" Whitewing protested.

Dovekit mewed as if in agreement with her mother.

"Who cares about that?" slurred Firestar.

"What about Brambleclaw?" asked Whitewing, still somewhat in shock from her clan leader saying such things.

"I exiled him," said Firestar.

Dovekit mewed in a questioning tone.

Squirrelflight somehow overheard Firestar and entered the nursery. "What did you say?" she demanded.

"I exiled Brambleclaw," said Firestar.

"NOOOOOOO!" cried Squirrelflight.

Dovekit mewed again in the same questioning tone. Ivykit stirred in her sleep, but didn't wake.

"Not my problem," said Firestar.

"But who will be the next deputy?" asked Squirrelflight.

"Hollyleaf will," said Firestar, puffing out his chest as though he was proud to have come up with such an idea.

"But Hollyleaf's dead!" Whitewing cried. "Anyway, I though you said _I_ was going to be the next deputy!"

Dovekit mewed in the same tone of agreement.

"I thought you didnt want to be deputy," said Firestar.

"I don't, but..." Whitewing trailed off.

"But what, Whitewing?" screeched Firestar. "What could be wrong?"

"Firestar, Hollyleaf's dead!" cried Squirrelflight. "She can't be deputy if she's dead."

"Then we'll bring her back to life!" roared Firestar.

"You know that's impossible, Firestar," said Hollyleaf, who was very flustered by this point.

"Well then..." Firestar paused, deep in thought. "I know! Jayfeather can be deputy!"

"Jayfeather's the medicine cat apprentice," said Whitewing. "He can't be deputy!"

Dovekit mewed as if in agreement with her mother.

"How about Leafpool?" asked Firestar.

"She's our medicine cat," said Squirrelflight.

"Uh..." Firestar thought for a moment. "Ashfur!"

"Dead," said Whitewing.

"Mousefur!" cried Firestar.

"She's an elder!" said Squirrelflight.

Dovekit mewed again as if in agreement.

"Longtail!" said Firestar.

"Elder," said Whitewing.

"Purdy!"

"Elder."

"What about Icepaw?" Firestar asked. "She can be deputy!"

"But you can't make an apprentice deputy!" cried Whitewing.

Dovekit mewed yet again in the same tone that implied she agreed with her mother.

"Foxpaw?" asked Firestar in a hopeful tone.

"He's an apprentice too," sighed Squirrelflight.

"I've got it!" Firestar shouted. He paused for a dramatic effect. "Onewhisker!" he cried triumphantly

"Don't you mean Onestar, not Onewhisker?" asked Whitewing.

Dovekit mewed in a questioning tone.

"I said Onestar!" Firestar snapped.

"But Onestar's the leader of WindClan!" mewed Whitewing. "He's not going to come here and be your deputy!"

"Then we'll make him!" cried Firestar.

"You know what?" said Squirrelflight. "Why don't we go see Leafpool?"

"Yes!" shouted Firestar, "I shall make _him_ deputy!"

"Leafpool is a she-cat, Firestar," said Squirrelflight as she led Firestar to the medicine cat den.

"Of course he is!" said Firestar. "I knew that!"

_No point arguing with him until he's recovered_ thought Squirrelflight.

"Ashfoot shall become leader of ShadowClan!" shouted Firestar. "And I shall become a WindClan apprentice! And you shall be a RiverClan queen!"

"Leafpool?" Squirrelflight asked as she entered the medicine den with Firestar.

_What a _great_ time for Leafpool to be out gathering herbs_ Squirrelflight thought.

Firestar drifted away from Squirrelflight as she thought about how nice it would have been if Leafpool had been in the medicine at the moment. Firestar found himself in the store room where Leafpool stored her herbs. "I wonder what this is?" mewed Firestar. He inspected the flower briefly before deciding to eat it. "I feel sooooooo tiiiiiirrreeeedddd," Firestar slurred before collapsing on the floor.

Squirrelflight heard a thump coming from the store room and went over to investigate. "Firestar?" she called. She got no response, so she entered the store room to find Firestar lying on the floor. "Oh my gosh! Firestar!" she cried.

Leafpool entered her den and heard her sister calling for help. "Squirrelflight?" she called.

"Thank goodness you're ifnally here, Leafpool!" Squirrelflight meowed. "Firestar has been acting crazy so I brought him here but you weren't there and then he snuck into your store room and I think he ate a whole poppy flower and I just don't know what to do!" Squirrelflight ended her rant sobbing in distress.

"It's okay, Squirrelflight," mewed Leafpool. "I think I accidentally gave him an herb overdose. We should just carry him back to his den and let him sleep it off."

"Okay," Squirrelflight sniffled.

Dovekit mewed in a resolved tone. No one was sure exactly why Whitewing allowed Dovekit out of the nursery at her age. That along with Dovekit's mysterious mewing will remain a mystery forever.


	2. The Television of Doom

This is a chapter I had to rewrite and the original can be found on deviantART.

_**Things Firestar Should Never Do: The Television of Doom**_

Firestar was in his den when Sandstorm walked in.

"What are you doing, Firestar?" she asked. "The evening patron is-"

"SILENCE IN THE PRESENCE OF THE GREAT TELEVISION!" Firestar screeched.

"Fine, then. We'll go without you, you stupid furball!" Sandstorm yowled before running from Firestar's den, sobbing the whole way.

Later...

Brackenfur rushed into Firestar's den. "Firestar, Firestar!" he yowled. "ShadowClan have crossed the border and they're ready to fight! You have to-"

"SILENCE IN THE PRESENCE OF THE GREAT TELEVISION!"

"But they're going to invade out camp!" Brackenfure wailed.

The sounds of cats fighting could be heard outside as Blackstar burst into Firestar's den. "I've got you now, Firestar!" he yowled triumphantly.

"SILENCE IN THE PRESENCE OF THE GREAT TELEVISION!"

"Firestar, run!" Brackenfur meowed. "I'll hold him off!"

Suddenly, Blackstar began staring at the television in the same hypnotized way as Firestar. "Yes," he said. "Silence in the presence of the Great Television."

The ShadowClan cats later found their leader hypnotized by the television and after finding that there was nothing they could do to move him, they went home in peace.

Later...

"Firestar, quick!" Brambleclaw yowled as he entered Firestar's den. "WindClan has crossed the border! They want hunting rights in our territory! They said they're ready to fight-"

"SILENCE IN THE PRESENCE OFTHE GREAT TELEVISION!" roared Firestar.

"Yes," said Blackstar, who was still staring the at the television like Firestar. "Silence in the presence of the Great Television."

"But they're going to attack if they don't get hunting rights, so we have to be ready-"

Onestar burst into Firestar's den, yowling, "Firestar, we want hunting rights in your territory! If you don't-"

"SILENCE IN THE PRESENCE OF THE GREAT TELEVISION!" Firestar roared.

Onestar, who was just noticing Blackstar, said, "Blackstar, why the heck are you here?"

"Silence in the presence of the Great Television!"

"Firestar, what-" Brambleclaw began.

"Yes," said Onestar, now staring at the television as though hypnotized. "Silence in the presence of the Great Television."

Meanwhile...

"Muahahahaha!" laughed Leopardstar. "The television I sent Firestar is working! Soon, they will all melt and RiverClan will dominate the late! Muahahahaha!"

Firestar, Blackstar, and Onestar two moons later…

"I feel... an odd... warm sensation," said Firestar.

"Yes," said Blackstar. "I feel it too."

"AAAAAAAH!" screamed Onestar. "IT'S BURNING! HELP ME!"

"I'M MELTING!" they yowled as they melted from watching too much television.

Leopardstar cautiously entered the den. "Hahaha," she laughed. "They are finished. Now, for the deputies. Then, I will kill all cats who refuse to join RiverClan! Muahahahaha!"


	3. Discovering Fanfiction

Disclaimer: I did not steal this idea from anyone. I wrote this a long time ago and it is in no way inspired by any other story in which the characters discover fanfiction, nor can I recall reading a story (besides my own) in which the characters find fanfiction. Also, the stories mentioned in this story are/were actual stories (might as well add some authenticity, right?) however, I do not know if they are still up and they and their plots belong to their respective owners. No infringement on these authors or any other authors is intended.

...

_**Things Firestar Should Never Do: Discovering Fanfiction**_

Icepaw was on her first solo hunting patrol. Today was the day she was going to impress her mentor and catch the biggest prey ever! As she stalked through the forest, she scented something. Icepaw opened her jaws to catch the scent better. It wasn't ThunderClan scent. _ShadowClan?_ But she could smell that it wasn't ShadowClan. As she crept forward, she heard a sound. It sounded like something was being dragged across the forest floor. She slowly crept toward the sound, then pounced with a loud battle cry! It was three cats, dragging a box toward the ThunderClan camp. The three cats dodged Icepaw's attack. Two of them were ready to attack, but the other sat down calmly and said," Kate, Cherith. Where are your manners?" Kate and Cherith hesitated to attack. Icepaw could smell that they were all she-cats.

"But she was going to attack us!"

"But she has the scent of ThunderClan, Kate," said Cherith.

"What kind of names are Kate and Cherith?" asked Icepaw.

"Why, don't you know? We are named after the authors. I am Victoria. This is Kate and Cherith."

"What?" Icepaw was confused.

"We need you to take this to your camp, Icepaw."

"How do you know my name?" Icepaw was starting to become suspicious now.

"That's something you don't need to know yet."

"Are you from StarClan?"

"No, but we know StarClan very well. So. Will you take this to your camp?"

"Why are you on my territory?"

"This," Victoria flicked her tail, gesturing to the box, "is something we must deliver to your camp."

"Special favor to Firestar," added Cherith.

"Okay," said Icepaw. She walked over to the box and grabbed it with her teeth. When she looked up, the three cats were gone, with no scent trail, and no paw prints.

Icepaw dragged to box back to camp. Firestar came out of his den and said, "Yes! It's finally here!"

Firestar ran to Icepaw, carefully took the box in his jaws and ran off to his den. Icepaw fainted right then and there.

Firestar, Sandstorm, Squirrelflight, Leafpool, Graystripe, and Brambleclaw were in Firestar's den, staring at the new laptop.

"Let's Google ourselves!" squealed Leafpool.

"Okay," said Firestar, "but me first!"

Firestar typed in his name on Google. "What the heck?" exclaimed Firestar. "I'm not a comic book character!"

"Maybe you can type in 'Firestar ThunderClan'" suggested Sandstorm.

As they were looking at the Google results, Graystripe noticed something. "Firestar, what's that?"

"I dunno, let's click on it," said Firestar.

"Oh look, it's a story!" said Squirrelflight."

"WHAT THE HECK?" shouted Firestar. "I'M NOT EVIL!"

"And you're not cheating on me! Right?" asked Sandstorm.

"Of course not. You are my true love." Said Firestar.

"Mom, Dad, ewwwww!" squealed Squirrelflight.

"And I'm not in love with Firestar" shouted Graystripe. Everyone stared at him. "I mean, I love him like a brother, but I'm not _in _love with him." Graystripe stared down at the floor as though it held some sudden, extreme interest for him.

"I know!" said Brambleclaw, breaking the awkward silence. "Let's see if there are any stories with me in it!"

"Okay." said Firestar.

"What's this?" asked Leafpool. "'_The Rise of TigerClan and DarkClan?' Brambleclaw and Hawkfrost take over the Clans?"_

"You'd never, right?" asked Firestar nervously.

"Of course not!" said Brambleclaw. "I have never regretted my choice to save you."

"Ooh, let's see what stories there about me and Graystripe," squealed Firestar.

"Slash? What's that?" asked Firestar, after they searched through the stories a bit.

"Let's see," said Graystripe.

They read the story.

Firestar closed his eyes. "I think I'm scarred for all my remaining lives."

"So gross!" said Graystripe.

"Why don't we take a break from the laptop before you guys go insane?" suggested Sandstorm, closing the laptop.


	4. Becoming a Vegetarian

A/N: This particular chapter is a combination of different ideas given to me by my readers. Unfortunately, I have no record of who gave me which ideas and currently have no way of finding out. This is the same with many other chapters. If you read the original story and are one of the awesome people who came up with one or more of thses prompts, please don't hesitate to let me know!

Also, the previous chapter, titled _Amp_ was deleted due to someone reminding me that I'm not supposed t use songs that don't belong to me in my stories. I personally would be more concerned with grammar, though. Oh well...

The previous chapter, titled _Amp_, can be found on deviantART from now on.

_**...**_

_**Things Firestar Should Never Do: Becoming a Vegetarian**_

When Firestar was a kittypet, the she-two-leg was a "vegetarian." It meant that she never ate anything like fresh-kill. Only plants and other weird things, something she called "tofu" whatever that was. Firestar decided to try being a vegetarian for a while to see what it was like.

"Let all cats old enough to catch their own prey gather beneath the High Ledge for a clan meeting!"

All the cats of ThunderClan gathered under the High Ledge and waited for Firestar's announcement.

"ThunderClan, I have an announcement to make." The cats waited. "I am going to become a vegetarian for a little while to see what it is like. Anyone who wishes to join me can see me in my den for more information."

"Mama, what's a ved-i-tear-ee-en?" asked Briarkit.

"A vegetarian is someone who only eats plants," replied Millie. She still remembered a little bit from her kittypet days.

Of course, no one wanted to try being a vegetarian.

About a moon later…

Firestar was depressed. He was enjoying being a vegetarian, but his clanmates ridiculed him! As he was strolling through the forest, looking for something he could eat without breaking his vow of vegetarianism, he spotted something shiny. He padded over to inspect, and found that it was a long tube with a little trigger. On an impulse, he pulled the trigger to see what would happen. Immediately, it fired off. Although the sound startled him, he thought it was interesting, so he brought it back to camp.

"Oh, look. Here comes the kittypet vegetarian!" said Spiderleg. "Want some fresh-kill? Oh wait, you can't have any!"

The group of young warriors around him laughed.

Without thinking, Firestar pulled the trigger on the tube. Instantly, all the cats in the clearing were either immediately killed or suffered terrible wounds and died later. All the other cats burst out of their dens to see what the booming noise had been, and Firestar was startled into pulling the trigger again. The tube killed all remaining cats.

Another moon Later…

Firestar was terribly lonely. All his friends and family had been killed because of the tube. Firestar had named it "Machine Gun." He was bored, and wanted someone to play tag with.

As Firestar was strolling through the forest, looking for someone to play with, he smelled something very disgusting.

_What could that be? _ Firestar thought.

He followed the scent and found a strange black and white creature that reeked horribly.

"Hi," said Firestar, "will you play tag with me?"

The creature turned its rear end towards Firestar.

"Oh, okay. Maybe later, then?"

A horrible noxious gas erupted from the creature's behind. Firestar was engulfed in a cloud of stink. He gulped for fresh air, but all he got was more stink.

A few weeks later…

The stench from the creature finally wore off. Firestar had decided to call it a "skunk."

All the creatures in the forest had been avoiding him because of the stench, so Firestar was almost insane with loneliness. With the coming leaf-fall, he hadn't been able to find much to eat.

Finally, he found an animal that didn't avoid him. It was odd-looking with the long spikes on its back.

"Hey, will you play tag with me?" Firestar called. He ran toward the creature, but tripped over a root and collided with the creature. Firestar screeched in pain upon making contact with the barbs. He instinctively leapt away from the creature. It turned and glared at Firestar as though challenging him to fight. With a fierce battle cry, Firestar tried to rush the creature, but was stuck with more spikes. He fled in defeat.

Firestar ran across the WindClan border, hoping to find someone to help him pull the barbs out. When he arrived at the WindClan camp, they simply laughed at him and told him to go to RiverClan. So, he ran to the RiverClan camp. There, he finally got help. When he was finally recovered, he thought a bit more. There wasn't much more to do now that his clanmates were all dead. He remembered that the two-legs he had lived with had a she-kit. The she-kit like to pretend to be a mermaid. Apparently, a mermaid was a two-leg with fish fins instead of legs that lived underwater. Now Firestar knew what he was going to do! He was going to become a mermaid! He wondered how you would do it though. Maybe he could ask the fish how to breathe underwater and if he could have fish fins too.

So, Firestar dove into the lake and met a fish.

"Hi, fish!" said Firestar.

The fish stared back at him.

"Yeah, uh, I was wondering if you could teach me how to breathe under water."

The fish stared back at him.

"Fine! Be that way! I guess I'll just teach myself!"

He surfaced for air before diving back underwater. He tried to take a breath, but all he got was water. He panicked, flailing helplessly, gettting tangled in some weeds at the bottom of the lake. He writhed and scratched at the weeds, but couldn't get untangled. Some fish were wondering what the commotion was about, so they swam over to check it out.

"Hey guys! Uh, I'm a little bit of trouble. Do you think you could get me out of this mess?"

The leader fish nodded to the rest, and they bared their teeth.

"Uh, nice fish. You're getting me out of this, right? Then maybe we can play tag afterwards. It's really fun!"

The fish swam closer.

"You guys _are_ going to chew through this, right? Guys?"

The fish swam closer, and closer, until finally…

...

A young RiverClan apprentice, Beaverpaw, was going out hunting. He had decided to try fishing in the lake. As he reached the lake shore, he saw silver bubbles coming up from the bottom of the lake. He padded closer to investigate. And then came the blood and with the blood came Firestar, a sight too graphic to describe. Beaverpaw could see the fish following Firestar and the sight was terrible to watch. Horrified, Beaverpaw ran back to camp as fast as his paws would carry him, shrieking about the lake turning to blood and killer fish that ate cats. No one believed him, of course.


	5. Buying a Time Machine?

_**Things Firestar Should Never Do: Buying a Time Machine?**_

Firestar was relaxing in his den one day when Brambleclaw burst in.

"Firestar, there's a strange cat outside with a big box. He says he's supposed to give the box to you."

"Yes!" Firestar shouted. "It's finally here!" He ran out into the clearing and saw a strange gray and white cat that smelled of two-leg.

The cat looked up and said, "Special delivery for Firestar."

"That would be me," said Firestar. He picked up his package, and turned to thank the strange cat but the cat was gone. Firestar just shrugged and went back into his den. He had ordered a time machine online. Unfortunately for Firestar, he didn't realize that the website he ordered it from was a complete scam, so they sent him what we two-legs would call a microwave oven instead.

"Hey, Graystripe! Can you help me with something?" Firestar called to Graystripe.

"Sure, Firestar."

"I need some help with my new time machine."

"Okay, what am I supposed to do?"

"I'm going to get in, and you press this button," he gestured to the 'start' button.

"Okay," said Graystripe.

So Firestar got in the "time machine." Graystripe shut the door and pushed the 'start' button.

Five seconds later, Firestar came out. His fur was fried and he smelled fried. Unfortunately, his brain was also fried.

Due to his fried brain, when Firestar found a pencil, he glued it to his forehead and walked all over the forest shouting, "I'm a unicorn!"


	6. Overprotective Parenting

_**Things Firestar Should Never Do: Overprotective Parenting**_

Ashfur turned his loving gaze at Squirrelflight. They were sitting out by the lake at sunset, getting into a rather romantic mood. Suddenly, Firestar crashed into Ashfur, pushing him into the lake.

"GET YOUR FREAKIN' PAWS OFF MY DAUGHTER!" he roared.

"Firestar, no!" Squirrelflight yowled. But it was too late. Firestar had already clawed Ashfur to death.

Sometime after Brambleclaw saves Firestar…

Brambleclaw was hunting with Squirrelflight. She needed someone to comfort her after Ashfur had died. They were unsuccessful, so they stopped for a minute to talk. Bramble started to say something, but Firestar crashed through the undergrowth and pinned Brambleclaw to the ground.

"NO!" Squirrelflight shouted, but Firestar ignored her.

"NO SON OF TIGERSTAR WILL LAY A SINGLE PAW ON MY DAUGHTER!"

"Firestar, please! I love him too!"

"Very well. I will spare him. But if he so much as touches without your permission, he will die."

When Crowfeather tries to run away with Leafpool…

Leafpool and Crowfeather met at the WindClan/ThunderClan border. But Cinderpelt wasn't there. Instead…

"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH MY DAUGHTER!" Firestar burst from the foliage. He pinned Crowfeather to the ground and proceeded to claw him until Crowfeather broke away and ran back across the border.

"Firestar!" screeched Leafpool. "How could you?"

"He's from another clan!"

"I love him!"

"No! You will stay away from him!"

"Why do I even bother listening to you?" Leafpool cried, before running across the border to find Crowfeather.

During a Random Border Skirmish…

Squirrelflight was fighting the ShadowClan deputy, Russetfur. Suddenly, Firestar was there, fighting Russetfur like all LionClan. "Don't. Touch. My. Daughter!" He screeched.

"Firestar! I can fight my own battles!"

"I'm here to protect you, Squirrelflight!"

"But-"

"Don't argue! Go back to camp before you get hurt!"

"Fine!" Squirrelflight stormed back to camp, seething with anger.


	7. It All Started With a Text Message

A/N: This chapter is a combination of ideas given to me by reviewers before I took it down and started reposting. Enjoy!

_**Things Firestar Should Never Do: It Started With a Test Message…**_

Firestar's cell phone beeped to tell him he had a text message. The message read:

_Hi Firestar! It's me, Princess! I was wondering if you and Cloudtail would like to come to my house for a tea party tomorrow. Bye!_

Firestar had no idea what a tea party was, but he figured it would be nice to see Princess. He also thought Princess would like to meet Brightheart and Whitepaw. So he replied that he could.

At the tea party…

At the tea party, the cats ate two-leg food, although Firestar didn't know it. Cloudtail, Brightheart, and Whitepaw seemed to be having fun. But Firestar was bored out of his mind. He hadn't eaten anything yet because he didn't know what it was.

"Here, Firestar, have a cookie," said Princess.

"No, thanks, I'm not hungry," he lied.

"Oh come on, they're _soooooooo_ good!"

"Oh, alright."

Firestar bit into the cookie. He loved the taste of it so much! But something he didn't know is that if a Clan Leader eats enough cookies, the dead will come back to life temporarily. This is why StarClan gave the first cookie recipe to the two-legs. Anyway, Firestar ate more and more cookies until suddenly dead two-legs came back to life and started talking. What they said sounded like "You must take over other Clans." And that is what Firestar decided he would do.

Later…

Firestar was trying to think of a way to take over another Clan when he stumbled upon what two-legs would call a rocket powered grenade. He thought it might be useful, so he took it back to camp.

Firestar declared war with RiverClan. He sent Graystripe, Brackenfur, Dustpelt and Mousefur to warn RiverClan to hand over their territory or be destroyed. RiverClan refused, so Firestar stood on top of the RPG, pointed it at the RiverClan territory and had Brambleclaw fire it off. Unfortunately, since Firestar was on top of it, he sped around and eventually came upon a space center. He zoomed into a monkey's space suit and by some strange law of cartoon physics, got stuck in it. This and the fact the grenade part of the RPG was completely deactivated, was rather fortunate, because unfortunately, the RPG, by another strange defiance of the laws of reality, suddenly pointed upward and rocketed upward into space.

Now defying the laws of time and space, Firestar soon landed on the moon. He had no idea where he was, nor did he have any idea to get back home. As he was pondering this, a mutant, fire-breathing chicken, at least twenty fox-lengths tall, walked up to Firestar and attacked him.

As he was running from the mutant chicken, he saw some boxes. He ran toward them and saw strange markings on them. A two-leg would have known that the markings were words. The words on the box read:

**Danger. 1,000,000 lbs. of explosives. Handle with caution.**

Firestar hid behind the explosives, but the mutant chicken decided at that moment to breathe fire. The fire set off the explosives, blowing up the whole, entire moon and leaving nothing but dust.


	8. Dear Diary

Disclaimer: The video Foxpaw's Diary, which this is heavily based on, was made by Demonslyr, not me.

Things Firestar Should Never Do: Dear Diary

_Sometime in the beginning of the season of Leaf-Fall_

_Dear Diary, _Fireheart wrote,

_Today, I stole Tigerclaw's cookies. I don't know why I did it. Something just came over me. I guess I was hungry. I wonder where he got those cookies. Maybe he stole them from the two-legs. Anyway, they tasted really good. Thank StarClan he has no idea who stole his cookies. If he were to read my diary; ha! if he even knew I had a diary I would be doomed. I'm so glad he doesn't know about my diary. Thank StarClan he doesn't know I have a diary!_

_I know that Tigerclaw is evil and everything, but I can't tell anyone! If I tell anyone in the whole clan, then I'd never live it down! I mean, Tigerclaw is the perfect model of a true warrior! I mean on the outside, of course! One the inside, he's a horrible, evil cat! Really, it's –_

Fireheart stopped writing. "How long have you been standing there?" he asked nervously.

"So _you_ stole my cookies, eh?" Tigerclaw snarled.

"Oh, ****," moaned Fireheart.

"You are so going to get in trouble for using that word!" Tigerclaw giggled. Now I'm going to expose your diary to the whole world!" Tigerclaw started laughing evilly, and it sounded like this: -"

After a while, Fireheart started getting bored. He started playing with a leaf he picked up off the ground. Finally, he'd had enough and said, "Are you done laughing yet?"

"How dare you interrupt me when I'm laughing?" Tigerclaw snarled before resuming his evil laugh.

Suddenly, Bluestar padded up to them. "What is going on here?" she asked.

Tigerclaw slowly stopped laughing as it dawned on him that Bluestar was observing him with a very skeptical look on her face, which sounded like: ha... ha... ha... ha...

"Well, well, Tigerclaw." meowed Bluestar. "It seems young Fireheart's suspicions were right."

"Wait a minute." mewed Fireheart. "How do you know about my suspicions?"

"I've been reading all about it in your – what did you call it – your diary?"

"OHMYGOSH!" Fireheart cried. "You were reading my diary?" Fireheart let out a high pitched scream. He continued to scream until he ran out of breath, took a deep breath and continued screaming. This repeated several times as Bluestar and Tigerclaw stole glances at each other every now and then, wondering when Fireheart was going to stop screaming.

When Fireheart finally stopped screaming, the three sat in awkward silence.

Far away, at the very edges of WindClan territory...

"Foxdung!" snarled a young WindClan warrior. "I almost had that rabbit! What the StarClan was that noise?"

"I dunno," mewed the other cat as she padded up to her fellow warrior, who was now breathing heavily in frustration. "It sounds as though it came from ThunderClan territory. I think it was someone screaming."


	9. Twihard

_**Things Firestar Should Never Do: Twi-hard**_

Firestar was taking a walk around the ThunderClan territory with Sandstorm, Leafpool, and Squirrelflight. Squirrelflight and Leafpool were talking about a book that they read.

"That was the best book ever!" said Squirrelflight.

"I know!" said Leafpool.

"Did you see the movie?" asked Squirrelflight.

"Yeah, Taylor Lautner is H-O-T!"

"Nuh-uh! Robert Pattinson is way hotter than Taylor Lautner!"

"Sparkling two-legs are so unreal!"

"Jacob Black is such a jerk!"

"Girls, what are you talking about?" asked Firestar. "If you two are going to argue about this new book series you're reading, then maybe you shouldn't be allowed to read it!"

"You know what Firestar? Maybe you should try reading it. Then we can all argue about it," suggested Leafpool.

"Okay, that sounds great!"

...

_After Firestar read Twilight…_

"OHMYGOSH!" Firestar squealed. "That was the best book ever! I can't wait until New Moon comes out!"

"Squirrelflight, what have I just done?" asked Leafpool. She didn't think Firestar would love Twilight that much. After reading the first book, he had read the rest in less than three days!

"I wish you hadn't made him read the book," mewed Squirrelflight.

"If he gets violent, I'm not blaming anyone but you."

"Why me?"

Leafpool shrugged. "Well, I have to blame someone."

...

"Firestar, how can you be obsessed with Twilight?" asked Brambleclaw.

"How can you like Harry Potter?"

Brambleclaw rolled his eyes "Because wizards are so much cooler than vampires, that's why!"

"Well, magic is so unreal!"

"So are sparkling two-legs!"

"You're fired!"

"What?"

"I mean you're not gonna be deputy anymore!"

"Why?"

"Because I said so!"

"Fine!"

...

_At a gathering…_

I have an important announcement to make!" announced Firestar.

The cats waited.

"Anyone caught not loving Twilight will be killed!"

The cats started whispering amongst themselves.

Blackstar stepped forward. "Well, _I _think Twilight is stupid!"

The cats gasped.

"DIE!" screamed Firestar. He tackled Blackstar and killed him. Each time Blackstar came back, Firestar killed him again until all Blackstar's remaining lives were gone.

...

_Much later..._

"And don't forget to read every book more than once!" meowed Firestar, wrapping up the story.

Suddenly Blackstar popped up. "Don't listen to him," Blackstar mewed. "Firestar doesn't know what he's talking about. It's sooo obvious that the Hunger Games are waaaay better!"

"So, you still hate Twilight?" asked Firestar.

"Yes," answered Blackstar, "with all my heart."

"DIE!" screamed Firestar, before killing Blackstar again.


	10. Why Firestar Shouldn't Go to an Art Fair

A/N: Before you read this chapter, I just want to thank all my reviewers. Even if I don't reply, I always read my reviews and they make my day. So thank you all, and I apologize for the... how long was it, six months of nothing? So here you go. DOUBLE UPDATE ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE SKY! It's starting to look like a triple update!

To answer some of your concerns, yes, I have finished reading Omen of the Stars. And yes, I know what happens at the end. I started this project before Omen of the Stars was released and I believe I finished before it was even halfway through. I love Firestar as much as the next Warriors fan, but I was bored one day before going on vacation and the first chapter happened. Seriously, do NOT take this story seriously.

**I will not be writing any more of this story.** Every chapter of this story had already been written and I have merely polished it up, added a few more descriptive words, corrected grammar here and there and reposted it. So while I appreciate your suggestions, I have decided to move on to other things. Again, thank you all so much. (and I apologize for the long author's note)

One last thing, this chapter is a conglomeration of different ideas given to me by my readers the first time I posted the story.

_**Things Firestar Should Never Do: Why Firestar Shouldn't Go To an Art Fair**_

Ever since the day the two-leg kit had read a book to Firestar, he had wanted to write one. So one day, he walked up to his mate and said "You know what, Sandstorm?"

"What is it, Firestar?"

"I was thinking about becoming an author."

"A what?" she asked.

"An author."

"An aw-thur?"

"No, an author. Someone who writes books."

"And?"

"I want to make a book."

"How do you do that?"

Firestar suddenly realized he had no idea how to write a book, let alone make one!

Later, Firestar was painting little pictures on a large leaf. He was trying to make a picture of Sandstorm. Leafpool walked up to him and asked, "What are you doing, Firestar?"

"I'm painting a picture," he replied.

"Wow," Leafpool exclaimed, "that looks just like Sandstorm!"

"You know what, Leafpool?"

"What?"

"I'm gonna be a painter!"

"Have fun, then!"

Firestar made many more paintings and took them to a two-leg art fair to try to sell them. He made a sign which read, 'Paintings for sale.'

As two-legs passed by, none of them took any notice of his stand. One of the two-legs looked at Firestar and said, "What a cute kitty-cat!"

The two-leg picked Firestar up and carried him off to a two-leg nest.

...

Once at the two-leg nest, the two-leg set Firestar down in a small room.

"Now, kitty, you'd better listen to me or else bad things will happen to you, okay? Now, I need you to clean up this room, okay? Here, you can use this," the two-leg set a sponge down on the floor, "and you can use this." The two-leg set a bucket with soapy water down on the floor. "Now… GET TO WORK!"

Firestar had no choice but to start cleaning the room, which he thought smelled like two-leg dirt.

After a long time, the two-leg fell asleep, so Firestar left the room. He turned the corner into a room, which was full of small models of two-legs. Firestar thought they were very silly, but suddenly the sprung to life. "INTRUDER ALERT!" said one. The dolls (because that's what they were) started marching toward Firestar. They were armed with miniature flamethrowers, axes, chainsaws, guns, swords, and just about every weapon you could think of.

Firestar did the most rational thing he could think of. He ran.

Firestar ran down the hallway with the dolls hot on his heels. He turned a corner and found himself in a quiet room with a strange machine making a calming humming sound.

Firestar found a strange device attached to the machine. He heard the footsteps down the hallway and realized the two-leg must have woken up. He unplugged the device and jumped out the open window.

Firestar ran in the direction of the lake. He didn't stop until he reached the ThunderClan camp. It was night, so he slipped into his den and examined the device he found. It was shaped like a rectangle, and on the back was the word "iPod".

Firestar pressed the button in the middle, and suddenly, loud music began playing. Fortunately, no one was woken up. Firestar absolutely loved the sound of the music.

...

_The next day about sunhigh…_

"Firestar, would you like to go hunting with me?" asked Sandstorm.

"No," he mewed, "I'm too busy listening to my iPod."

"Fine! I'll go without you!" Sandstorm ran from Firestar's den sobbing.

As Firestar was listening to the iPod, the sound started to get quieter. Firestar turned up the volume, but the sound got even more quiet until it faded altogether and the screen went black.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO! My iPod!" Firestar screamed. The sound carried all the way across the lake to RiverClan.

...

Hollyleaf came into Firestar's den.

"Firestar," she said, "I know this really fun place that we can go to."

"Nah," said Firestar. He was still pouting because his iPod had run out of battery.

"Come on! It's really fun!"

"Oh, alright. But it better be worth it!"

...

_At Build-a-Bear…_

"Wow, what is this place?" asked Firestar.

"This is a place where you can make your own stuffed animal." Hollyleaf walked over to the shelves where the stuffed animals were displayed. "First you pick an animal. Then, you have the person stuff it Then you fluff it. Then you pick out accessories for it. Then, you make a birth certificate, and then you pay over there."

_After Build-a-Bear…_

Firestar and Hollyleaf were walking through the mall. Hollyleaf looked at the poster for the movie theater. It read:

"Now Playing : Star Wars"

"Oh my gosh, Firestar!" Hollyleaf mewed. "I've been wanting to see that movie forever!"

"Okay, I guess we can go see it."

_After watching Star Wars…_

"OMG! THAT WAS THE BEST MOVIE EVER!" screeched Firestar.

"I know, right?" meowed Hollyleaf.

As Firestar and Hollyleaf were leaving the mall, Firestar noticed a toy store with a sign in front announcing that they were selling lightsabers.

"OMG! I have to get one of those!" screeched Firestar.

_Back at the ThunderClan Camp…_

Firestar gave Brambleclaw a lightsaber and forced him to have a lightsaber duel with him.

"Come on, Brambleclaw! You can do better than that!"

"Firestar, I'm tired."

"Already? Come on!"

"No."

"Yes!"

"What part of 'no' do you not understand?"

"The 'no' part."

"I quit!" Brambleclaw threw the lightsaber down and stormed back to camp.

_Back at the ThunderClan Camp again…_

"Will anyone have a lightsaber duel with me?"

"Nah, you're too good, "said Lionblaze.

"You're just gonna win anyways," said Birchfall.

In truth, the other cats let Firestar win because they got tired of doing this day after day.

"You know what? I think Firestar needs to take a break from Star Wars," said Brambleclaw.

"NO! I WILL NEVER TAKE A BREAK FROM STAR WARS!" Firestar screeched dramatically.

"Then we'll make you!" shouted Brambleclaw. Thornclaw and Brackenfur pinned Firestar down while Brambleclaw grabbed the lightsaber from Firestar and ran to throw it in the lake.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Firestar shrieked.

A few weeks later, Firestar was still sore about the loss of his lightsaber.

Lionblaze walked up to Firestar and said, "You know, there's this movie playing that I want to see. It's called Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Wanna come?"


	11. A Continuation of the Previous Episode

_**Things Firestar Should Never Do: A Brief Continuation of the Previous Episode**_

_After Watching Harry Potter with Lionblaze..._

"OHMYGOSH!" Firestar squealed. "That was the best movie ever!"

"I know, right?"

As Firestar and Lionblaze were walking through the town, Firestar noticed a toystore that had a sign announcing that they were selling wands.

"OHMYGOSH! I have to get one of those!" screeched Firestar.

_Back at the ThunderClan Camp..._

Firestar gave Brambleclaw a stick and forced him to have a wizard's duel with him. During the duel, Brambleclaw broke Firestar's wand on purpose, although Firestar somehow didn't realize the action was intentional.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Firestar screamed. Then he began to sob uncontrollably.

_A Few Weeks Later..._

"Jayfeather?"

"Yes, Firestar, what is it?"

"Will you watch Transformers with me?"


	12. Medicine Cat Apprentices and Unbirthdays

_**Things Firestar Should Never Do: Medicine Cat Apprentices and Unbirthdays**_

_This is a chapter I had to rewrite and the original can be found on deviantART._

"You know what, Graypaw?" Firepaw asked one day as sat down by Graypaw with his fresh kill.

"What, Firepaw?" Graypaw looked up from his meal.

"I want to be Spottedleaf's apprentice."

"What?" Graypaw meowed, surprised. "Why?"

Firepaw didn't respond.

"Is it because you're in love with her?" Graypaw asked mischievously.

"No!" Firepaw responded quickly. "Why would you think that?"

"Ha!" Graypaw laughed. "It _is_ because you're in love with her!" He began chanting, "Firepaw 'n' Spottedleaf sittin' in a tree-"

"Stop it! I am _not_ in love with Spottedleaf!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are not!"

"Am too!"

"Ha!" Graypaw yowled triumphantly, "I knew it!" Graypaw's expression changed. "But Bluestar invited you into the clan to do warrior training, not medicine cat training."

"I'd still be serving the clan, right?" Firepaw mewed.

"Well... I guess, but-"

"I'm going to ask Bluestar whether you like it or not and you can't stop me!" Firepaw got up and ran over to Bluestar's den.

Graypaw sighed.

"Bluestar, Bluestar!" Firepaw called.

"Yes," Bluestar mewed, poking her head out of her den, "What is it, Firepaw?"

"Bluestar, I wanna be Spottedleaf's apprentice!" Pleeeeease?" Firepaw put on the best cute face he could muster.

"Sure, whatever," said Bluestar turning to go back into her den. "Just ask Spottedleaf first."

Firepaw squealed in delight. "Thank you Bluestar!" He quikcly ran over to Spottedleaf's den. "Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf!"

Spottedleaf poked her head out of her den. "What do you want, Firepaw?" she mewed in an annoyed tone that Firepaw didn't pick up on.

"Can I be your apprentice?"

"Hmm," said Spottedleaf, "let me think. NO!"

Firepaw began to cry. "Why not?" he bawled.

"Because you'll mess it up!" she cried. "You already covered the apprentice den in bubble gum once, what says you won't cover my den and herbs with it too?"

_Last moon..._

Firepaw was sitting in the apprentice den, happily chewing an entire pack of bubble gum. He started blowing a bubble with it, which slowly got bigger and bigger before bursting and covering the inside of the apprentice den and the other apprentices with a layer of sticky, pink bubble gum.

_Present day..._

"It was an accident!" Firepaw cried.

"I don't care!" growled Spottedleaf.

"What's this all about?" Tigerclaw walked up the two.

"Spottedleaf won't let me be here apprentice!" Firepaw meowed, pointing a paw at Spottedleaf in an accusatory manner.

"Spottedleaf," Tigerclaw meowed, shaking his head, "you should be ashamed of yourself. Young Firepaw is such a hard worker and I'm sure he would make an excellent medicine cat apprentice."

"Ugh, fine, I'll do it!" Spottedleaf said, clearly unhappy about the arrangement.

The next day, Spottedleaf was trying to teach Firepaw to mix a particular poultice.

"So," Firepaw asked hesitantly, "I use these herbs?"

"Yes, Firepaw!" Spottedleaf snarled. "Get it straight already!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Firepaw began to cry.

Spottedleaf sighed in frustration. "Just mix the herbs already."

Firepaw began crushing the various herbs and mixing them together with his paws.

Spottedleaf looked over at Firepaw to make sure he was doing it right, her eyes widening when she noticed Firepaw's mistake. "Not borage!" she cried. "You're supposed to use-"

A loud boom resounded across the forest. The ThunderClan camp had just been blown up.

Firepaw and Spottedleaf sat in the clearing, their fur blackened and smoking.

"Did I do something wrong?" Firepaw asked.

Tigerclaw staggered toward them, his fur blackened as well. "Happy Unbirthday!" he cried when he saw Firepaw and Spottedleaf. He paused for a moment, apparently deep in thought. "Unless it's your birthday, of course."

"What?" Spottedleaf said, raising a blackened eyebrow.

"You see," slurred Tigerclaw, "each year you have one birthday and three hundred and sixty four _un_birthdays!"

"Okay then," Spottedleaf meowed, a little creeped out by Tigerclaw.

Tigerclaw collapsed on the burnt grass.

"Scream." Firepaw said in a monotone. "Scream. Scream. Scre-"

"Shut up!" screeched Spottedleaf.


	13. Superstitious

_**Things Firestar Should Never Do: Superstitious**_

_This chapter was inspired by various ideas given to me by my readers during the first time I was posting this story._

Firestar was in his den, preparing to go out on a rainy day. He picked up an umbrella and opened it up. In the process of opening the umbrella, Firestar accidentally knocked over the salt shaker, spilling the contents onto the floor. Firestar looked in the mirror on the wall and smiled a crooked grin, causing the mirror to break. Firestar then stepped outside his den and walked under the random ladder that was outside the entrance. He said a quick hello to Hollyleaf, noticing that his granddaughter's black fur was fluffier than usual, and hurried on his way. Firestar noticed a penny tails-side up on the ground and picked it up. Money is money, after all. He then walked over to the warriors den to have lunch with Graystripe.

Firestar sat down, noticing that Graystripe was already there.

"Firestar," Graystripe asked, "do you know what day it is?"

"Friday the 13th, if I'm not mistaken."

"Ah! Oh, no!" Graystripe cried, seeminga bit panicked. "I knew I should have sprinkled pepper in my fur!"

"What?" Firestar asked, confused. "Why?"

Graystripe leaned closer to Firestar as though sharing a terrible secret. "They say that if you break one of the superstitions on a Friday the thirteenth, then you'll have bad luck forever!"

"What are the superstitions, anyway?"

"It's bad luck to open an umbrella indoors, spill table salt, break a mirror, walk under a ladder, cross paths with a black cat, and pick up a penny if it's tails up."

"Why, I did all that in the last twenty minutes!" laughed Firestar.

Graystripe gasped. "Firestar, you've got to do something to get rid of your bad luck!"

Firestar panicked. "Oh, no! What should I do?" he cried.

"Well," Graystripe mewed, trying to think about how to help his friend, "it's good luck to sprinkle pepper in your fur, pick up a penny heads up, carry a rabbit's foot and a four-leaf clover."

"Oaky, I'll go do that!"

Firestar ran back to his den. He found the pepper shaker and sprinkled some in his fur. He dropped his penny heads up and picked it back up. He then went hunting in the forest for a rabbit. After a few hours, he caught one and kept the foot. Firestar then spent hours searching for a four-leaf clover.

_Later..._

"Well, Firestar?" asked Graystripe.

"I got everything done!"

"Good! You bad luck should be gone by tomorrow (knock on wood)!" Graystripe rapped his paw on a nearby tree.

"Cool!" Firestar meowed. "Hey, wanna go buy some Pixie Stix at the store?"

"Sure, sounds great!"

...

A/N: First, I want to thank you all so much for sticking with me, even with the unannounced, unplanned, I-don't-know-how-many-months-it-was hiatus. Special thanks to those who reviewed, both this time around and the original posting. However, please note, I will not be writing any more Warriors stories or any more Things Firestar Should Never Do. I've had my fun, and I will be moving on to (slightly) more serious stuff. Again, thank you all so much!

There was a list that summarized the series and more, but since I can't post that here without someone flaming me for breaking the rules, I will have it up on my deviantART. The link to my account is on my profile, but if that doesn't work, I am jay-bird69 over there. If you didn't already know, I also have the original versions of chapters 1, 2, and 12 as well as a chapter I had to remove from this site.

And now I can finally say: THE END.


End file.
